Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Silent Explanations

Not excuses.
The last 2-3-4 years have been full of change and challenge. A lot going on emotionally and a lot of unspoken stress. The first couple years were more like juggling and coping, then the juggling balls hit the preverbal fan and well... 
Through it all my lupus (diagnosed at 15yo) remained steady and fairly under control. But when the Fibromyalgia took off it has beat me down hard. A year ago at this time I was working hard every day, carrying stone, laying brick, building, digging, running to school to do this and that. I was active. Sore, but active. Today I couldn't get out of bed. I hurt so much that tears ran down my face. What hurts the most? I want my life back. I want to go to bed and know that I can get up the next day and function. But I don't know that. And it's harder than the pain.
I know what started it too. I know what stress triggered it. The thing that doesn't help is not too many people know what that was or how it affected me. About 1 1/2 year ago. I still dream about certain aspects of it and I hear that my dreams are a sign of PTSD. Dreams are not the truth but oddly, they don't lie either.
So now I lack motivation. I lack energy. I lack words. I have a hard time dreaming and planning ahead, because I have to be honest, I can't achieve those dreams right now. Which dreams? Any. I have tried positive thinking and determination. Those always worked with lupus. Even in the middle of pleurisy and pericarditis, mindset made a difference. But not this time. My determination only leads to a total collapse the next day, week, however long it wants to take me down.
And no one can see it or feel it. I'm not depressed, but I cry regularly. And I wonder if my kids are asking 'what happened to mom?' I feel like they are. I try to hide it, but it's getting hard to hide. It's winning. And I don't like that.
I want my life back.
I want to dream and then do.
I want to plot a story and then write it.
I want to stand up and walk without weighing the cost when I've left something in another room.
I want to see a silver lining.
I want my energy back, my motivation back, my words back.
But for now I open my eyes and get through another day.

Maybe that's something. It just doesn't feel like it right now.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

So Much Procrastination, So Little Time

Since life wasn’t really willing to give me time to write I finally had to take what I could. That means 9:30 or 10 to 12:00 each night. It’s not a lot, but it is something. I can manage a good 1.5-2k in that amount of time, but have to take a break to sleep every 3 or 4 nights. Otherwise I start to become zombie-ish and that’s not pretty.

So now that the writer is actually writing I guess it’s time to re-assess my goals.

I have four series that I need to complete another book for. That means write it, edit it (edit it, edit, it, edit it), publish it. I can’t imagine this will happen this year even though I had high hopes some months back. If I could manage one, that would be totally amazing. I’m thinking the MG because 50k seems way more possible to me right now. Although one series it will be the final book in the series which would be amazing as well, sad, but amazing.

I do currently have two completed manuscripts, one is MG and one is YA. I need to edit both and then get them into the hands of some betas. I would totally do this for the sake of accomplishing something this year, but alas I’ve been distracted by writing and of course it’s something new, not something on my to-do list.

Currently I am around 18k on this new project, but I’m really excited about it because it’s a completely different bent for me. I also think it has perhaps the greatest publishing potential of anything I’ve written to date. That means that I might shoot for traditional publishing by querying agents again. But that won’t be until it is super polished, so maybe I’m looking at 2015-16 for that to happen.

Of course all my down time has also left me with far too many new ideas to handle as well. I have five ideas that actually have folders on my computer and two more that are only contained in emails and notes to myself. Down time unfortunately leads to this type of thing so it’s always good to avoid it because what you don’t need when you don’t have time to write is more stuff you want to write. Ugg.

            That’s how 2014 is shaping up so far.

            How are your goals for the year shaping up?

Friday, September 26, 2014

A Mother Never Forgets the Love: a message from a Mother to Children of aging parents

Since my babies were, well, babies, I have been saving up pieces of clothing to make a quilt. I’m sure that’s not unusual, mothers are just that way. Since my oldest is now 9, I actually began the hand sewing which would take all those memories of little smiles and little firsts and put them together into a cute baby quilt that he could someday use for his children. But then something happened that changed what I was doing. I remembered.

You see, those memories are not really his. They are mine. And although they formed who he is and impacted who he will become, they won’t stir in him a single memory aside from ‘Hey, I remember seeing a picture of me in that.’ That’s when I realized that I wasn’t making a blanket for my babies or their babies. I was making it for me. Because no matter where I am and no matter how much I can articulate the memories, I will never forget the love of holding my babies and kissing their little heads. Late at night or in the middle of the day in a house all alone, it was always me and them. They are the very best thing that God has blessed me with in this world and I will never lose that feeling in my heart no matter what else time and age steal away from me.

So I decided I will make them other quilts. Quilts with memories they can recall. Ones that bring a smile to their faces. But those very early memories will be mine. I’ll finish them and put a note on them, letting my kids know that if they find them, please bring them to me. If I’m in a home being cared for because my memory is slowing slipping away just wrap me up in those bits of cloth and my heart will not forget. The love we have for our children cannot be stripped away or lost behind the years. I will remember and when I smile they will know I am remembering them. Maybe their faces won’t match my memories and their names will falter on my tongue, but the love, the love will always be there.

And if by some sweet grace of God, I have the awareness to articulate still, I will hold those bits of cloth and recant to them the memories each one brings. Because when all else fades and time grows short in this journey we are blessed to travel, the mother’s love we have given and received will endure.

So if you’re looking into eyes that seem vacant and distant, don’t be disheartened, she remembers it clearly. The love, not the names, the joy, not the details, the hope, not the present. Maybe she’s lost there and it’s the only thing she knows, but I believe there is nothing that can sever it from her heart. And if you are blessed to hear the same stories told time and time again by lips that quiver and eyes that tear up or twinkle with a memory far away, don’t grow impatient. Let her live in those moments, for they are a mirror that reflects the flawless love of your past. A love that covers all things. A love that never fails or fades or grows old with time. Because there is no other love like a mother’s love and she will never forget the love that grew in her heart from the moment there was you.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Keep on Writing (it's not excuses, just reality)

It seems like a good time for another not-excuses-just-reality post. I've begun to realize that my writing goals may need to be amended. Not because I don't have the ideas to write or the desire to write, but time has become an issue. (Even factoring out the minecraft playing, which I haven't done for some time.)

I have kids and my kids come first. Always. Right now we are at this moment in ages where one is staying up later and later while the other isn't going to school full time yet. So my evenings, which had been my writing time, are shrinking considerably. Yet my days, which could be my writing time, are unavailable to a great degree. That leaves me with... well, not a whole lot to work with.

So here and there I steal time and make a little progress. But it's just that, a little.

I think that I would be doing good to put out a book this year. And how many did I want to? Four or five? Right.

But the thing is. I can see the future. No I'm not clairvoyant, I just know that in another 15 months I will have kids in school and writing can become my day job. So aside from home stuff and school stuff, I will have days each week in which hours can be spent writing.

So for now I'm trying not to beat myself up. I will have more time for this. I will be able to make progress like I used to. I just need to not get discouraged and not quit trying. The books will come, the words will be written, it's just the timing that needs adjusting.

So I hope you'll be patient with me. I may even take a stab at traditional publishing again. But it will be when deadlines can be met and my second career can receive the time it needs.

Thank you!

The writer inside

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Fun Finds On Line : Bee's Wax

Volume 2

Ok, here’s a little something new for you.

My hands get really dry and cracked due in part to bad circulation. But whether you live where it is freezing in the winter, dry in the summer, or doesn’t change much year round, I’m sure you run into this problem from time to time.

Something I found this winter really helped. Honey House Naturals Bee Bars are amazing. They might feel a bit thick, sticky and heavy to you and if so I suggest using them just at night before going to bed. If you leave a nice thick layer on then in the morning your hands will feel great and stay that way, no matter the weather, all day. The strange thing I found is that the small size is a completely different texture than the large size. The small is smoother and less like wax. I totally recommend the small set. If you just want to try 1, the Hawaiian has been my favorite, but the set is a good deal. It’s not always available, so click the link on the sidebar and see. If it’s not currently available, check again in a couple weeks and it should be back. I think you’ll be glad you tried them.

Happy hands to you!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Fun Finds On Line - Volume 1

I’m going to be kicking-off some series of new posts, with a slightly less writer-ly bend. In this series, Fun Finds On-Line, I’m going to let you in on some of the cool little things I’ve found and purchased recently that deserve sharing. Since I do a lot of my window shopping and shopping on-line, I find things all the time that are cool and fun and I’d like to share. So why not get to it, right?


Today’s fun find is socks. Women’s tall, knee-high socks in fun colors. I have a bit of a sock obsession. I like fun, colorful socks that go well with my Doc’s and Converse. So here are the latest sets that I found on Amazon. They were a great deal and I am totally happy with the purchase. Not too tight, not shrinking or fading, and staying pulled up all day. Sure, they’re not super thick and will not last forever (I like them not too bulky anyway) but at the price I don’t mind replacing them when they wear out.

Highly recommend. So if you’re looking for socks, just click the links and you can have some fun socks that fit well and feel great. Happy feet, happy you!

Links to purchase (from
Colorful Socks
Fun Socks

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Unabashed Writer’s Plea (and a GIVEAWAY!)

My Facebook Author page has been sitting there a bit lonesome for some time. Yes, I’m not great at self-marketing. So I’m sending out a plea. If you’re out there and one of those who stops by the blog from time to time, perhaps you can help spread the word?

My goal is to reach 50 ‘likes’ on the page at When I hit the magic number I’ll be hosting an Amazon giftcard giveaway. A $15 Amazon giftcard will go to one lucky, random Facebook commenter.

But, I’m not done there. I know my blog consistency has been lacking, which is why I haven’t exactly grown in followers for some time. I’m going to do my best to correct that. One blog post a month starting, well, with this one. I’ll make it on the writing process or experience and on a good month you might even hear from me more often. My goal on the blog is 150 followers. When I reach that magic number I’ll host a contest here, with another $15 giftcard going to one lucky, random commenter.

I’m pretty good at remembering too, so if it takes two days or two months to reach these goals I’ll still ante-up.

Who’s with me?

Help me spread the word and I’ll be watching those numbers, waiting to give stuff away!

Thank you!