Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Silent Explanations

Not excuses.
The last 2-3-4 years have been full of change and challenge. A lot going on emotionally and a lot of unspoken stress. The first couple years were more like juggling and coping, then the juggling balls hit the preverbal fan and well... 
Through it all my lupus (diagnosed at 15yo) remained steady and fairly under control. But when the Fibromyalgia took off it has beat me down hard. A year ago at this time I was working hard every day, carrying stone, laying brick, building, digging, running to school to do this and that. I was active. Sore, but active. Today I couldn't get out of bed. I hurt so much that tears ran down my face. What hurts the most? I want my life back. I want to go to bed and know that I can get up the next day and function. But I don't know that. And it's harder than the pain.
I know what started it too. I know what stress triggered it. The thing that doesn't help is not too many people know what that was or how it affected me. About 1 1/2 year ago. I still dream about certain aspects of it and I hear that my dreams are a sign of PTSD. Dreams are not the truth but oddly, they don't lie either.
So now I lack motivation. I lack energy. I lack words. I have a hard time dreaming and planning ahead, because I have to be honest, I can't achieve those dreams right now. Which dreams? Any. I have tried positive thinking and determination. Those always worked with lupus. Even in the middle of pleurisy and pericarditis, mindset made a difference. But not this time. My determination only leads to a total collapse the next day, week, however long it wants to take me down.
And no one can see it or feel it. I'm not depressed, but I cry regularly. And I wonder if my kids are asking 'what happened to mom?' I feel like they are. I try to hide it, but it's getting hard to hide. It's winning. And I don't like that.
I want my life back.
I want to dream and then do.
I want to plot a story and then write it.
I want to stand up and walk without weighing the cost when I've left something in another room.
I want to see a silver lining.
I want my energy back, my motivation back, my words back.
But for now I open my eyes and get through another day.

Maybe that's something. It just doesn't feel like it right now.